Ok, since this is where I tend to release my frustrations here we go again.......... For one, I've really been upset with myself this week, I've shown a lack of control. I haven't been going to bed at the right times and while a couple times it was because I couldn't get to sleep........ more than once this week it was because I couldn't pull myself away from my computers. I'd just stay right on my computer, looking for messages to respond to or things to comment on and I know why........ It's the only social interaction I get, no matter how much I don't like it being the only way I'm able to interact with people...... it still remains the only way I'm interacting with people......... I mean where else in the real world can I butt in on someone and say something their art...... to the artist themselves? Where else can I just go up to someone and start a silly conversation based on nothing at all except laughs? Where else can I just butt in on a group of people and share my opinion in a silly way, where else can I go and just immediately be accepted without question? It's just frustrating...... I've wanted to get off my arse and do something every day this week but the only times I've been awake was at night..... the whole week.

It's frustrating going out with my parents and doing things......... it's incredibly frustrating....... They made me go out to dinner with them and play mini golf, which sounds ok but remember I'm with my parents...... Well I see these two girls playing mini golf as well just ahead of us.......... and the closest I get my Mom's being completely innept at hitting the ball while she's right next to me.......... I mean how is a guy supposed to approach a girl when his Mom is right there being a Mom? It was incredibly frustrating........ the whole time I just wanted to throw down my club and ball and just go try to talk to them........ Then this other thought kept coming into my mind because of my experiences........ I kept worrying that maybe they were lesbians on a date and here I am a dirty sweaty pig of a guy who's nervous as hell trying to butt in on them and hit on them........ I couldn't help but think it even if I could get some separation from my parents....... and even if I could fight my anxiety by building up enough courage. Life is so hard to get to know anyone in, to know what's going on, and to not embarrass yourself and ruin all your self esteem. I'm so scared about ending up looking stupid or facing rejection, it scares me endlessly. When I do manage to get to bed at night, I usually lay there wondering how I'm going to get over this, how I'm going to break my anxiety long enough to approach a girl, how I can I ever possibly build up enough confidence in myself to even try. It's just frustrating.